Why JULY?

 It's been a year since my father died and yes, it seems like yesterday. Too fast and really heartbreaking~

I am living day by day always randomly thinking of the memories and letting myself feel the pain over and over again. I get by with help or laugh with friends and also random talks with my mother. Also, one cute fluffy handsome puppy has my affection since this year.

Walking up to him, cuddling him, training and baby talking him everyday. It makes everything else bearable. From work, to people, to debts and to loss-

I let my guard down, I was too happy and too trusting that everything seems okay.

I pour my heart out to this cute little pup that always makes our day and never thought about circumstances/sudden emergencies that might happen.

Two days ago he was too lazy to play and didn't eat or drink at all. My mother had to rush him to the vet for consultation but the vet said they can go home since my baby is still under observation. The following day, I had to go to the vet again to tell the vet that he has symptoms of diarrhea and vomiting. In panic but always trusting that GOD and Loki will make it through.

He was a fighter 'till the end. Never whimpered to pain, he tried his best to drink but still vomited. Walked around the house even though very weak and very tired.

We had to admit him but at 8am today, the vet sent a message that our baby Loki died.

I don't know what to do or feel, I felt guilt because I had to leave him at the vet. I felt angry because the vet had too many inconsistencies when I recalled our conversation. I felt sorry for Loki because we couldn't do anything. I felt that this is all too much.

Why now? Why is happiness short lived? He gave his all to comfort us during the loss of my father.

He was the source of funny and laughter in our house recently. Why? Why too short for such a perfect pup? I couldn't ask for any dog but only him-Loki. I hope that God will grant my wish and be like the movie "A Dog's Journey Home". Let Loki come back in another dog. Same personality, talent and cuteness.

I hope for another dog but not too soon. I know God will never give us something we can't handle but every day, I would ask this out of the blue to myself-WHY JULY?

 

JUST

Just as i go through days and days more to come..i always think what makes me go through all of it.
Just as relevant as it is now, it will suddenly hit you out of nowhere..just as today, i want to cry out but for no reason at all.
I am always saying this is just a phase...i know what makes strong and better but it still creeps once in a while..
Like i want to go out, ride on a rolletcoaster scream my heart out hoping it will go away..
Seriously, i am not problematic as you prob think i am..My family is healthy-couldn"t ask for more..just got a regular job, i eat well and can buy what i want, travel.frequently, has a good relationship.with my boss and co workers and i have friends too...
I just..i just..i just...don't understand

CATCH UP!

Ever wonder what happened to me after the Nepal story like two years ago? yes, I know-you are all thinking that maybe I got lost and nowhere to be found while solo traveling or maybe she got amnesia and forgot about this blogging thing~well, suprise-I am back! Sorry to burst your bubble guys.

The sure thing is, a lot of things happened- If a lot of things are going on in my life, I get hay wired. I guess it's old age or just making reasons not to blog. Anyway, excerpts from the past two years-if I can still recall the highlights of it-

1. If you back read my entry like 2015-I was supposed to go to Nepal but forces of nature interfered. So, I went to Malaysia and Indonesia (not Jakarta but Yogyakarta!) weeeeeehhhh-tap on my back

2. Went to manila to be feel like a tourist-really crazy but fun adventure

okay-writer's block. Will think more soon. Laziness kicked in and these are just travel highlights. Will dig on my FB and phone pics for memory recall. hehehe.

See you around guys!

Ciao!

INSOM-YUCK THOUGHTS

My first love came to me like a summer breeze...

Warm, comfortable and easy flowing.

The touch..the brief sensation gave me refuge

I liked it, I will always look forward to it

I got used to it...

It grew in me..

It made me happy...

But as memories grow...

It stayed forever...

I gave my all...

Now, I long for the summer breeze..

The one that I used to feel everyday,

On dark nights,

On lonely times...

I am left alone, are you coming back?

Time must have kept you from me..

Now, I am numb..

My summer breeze love has left me...

ATM

naega...chigum kippeun anhaengbokhae.. ttamunae na otton saramya. kippeunisso..moriiseo..sarangiseo...

krundae, yorobon...naega ansaenggakhae..yorobon iyagihae-nuguya?
neh, nuguya? neh, wae irroke? neh, wae hangsang silpuenhae... wae na andwae?

Manyage, guenyang manyagae...nae gojoeyo... yorobon nae saengakallkayo?
geu yojaga pulsanghaeyo...

neh, na pulsanghaeyo...
choeun ja...yorobon choeun ja!!
annyeong~

CLOSE CALL- MY SUPPOSED TO BE NEPAL TRAVEL

I am sharing this because I still can't believe it until now and just now, reality sink in. Earlier today while taking my afternoon nap, I heard my mobile phone echoed a notification-a familiar Line notification. Normally, it is just some contest or a celebrity account that notifies users about some activities. I reached out for it, and saw the preview of the message on the screen- HAVE YOU KNOWN IT? It was from Kenji-san. Still dizzy, I got a weird feeling. Three messages - Hey!Bad news, Earthquake in Nepal and Have you known it? It was just right in time for me to wake up to prepare for my class. I replied-No, Oh My!- my usual reply by the way. I didn't panic thinking-no, maybe he is just exaggerating. The next reply was - Check it now! I obliged. So, with an empty mind and dizzy feeling- I searched " Nepal earthquake now" And then- there it was. Shocking news and pictures of people injured. 

Okay, I am supposed to fly to Nepal next week - May 3, 2015 (originally, May 2 but AirAsia moved it). All set! tickets-check, accommodation-check, list-check, camera-check, mind and body ready-check, and my bags-almost done! It's the time of the year that I go solo traveling. Why Nepal? Two reasons- first, flying back from Thailand-I saw on an in flight magazine about Kathmandu and Nepal. Got interested. And the influencing one? watched Nine Times Nine Travel Korean drama ( which I didn't finish 'till the end). That's it. A lot of friends always ask me-why? why? why? My usual reply, I want to see the majestic Himalayas. I fell in love with it, the more I planned about it. It took me a year to prepare, a year to set my mind and body for another challenge and a moment to make me realize that anything can happen.

Maybe, I am not meant to meet the majestic Himalayas this time. This plan was supposed to happen last March 2015 but due to a co-worker's leave of absence-I moved it. FYI: A Turkish airplane skid the runway before my flight to Nepal (March 4, 215). They rescheduled my flight due to delay. I decided to change it before that news to May 2015.

Now, that I look back-it was a close call. Had I made my booking earlier than May 3, 2015-I could have been in Nepal during the earthquake. Now, that I look at heartbreaking pictures on the internet- I felt that part of me is in Nepal. I felt sad though I haven't been there and regret that I didn't get the chance to experience the wonderful country before its devastation. There is always next time-they say and Thank God for guiding me in my travels. Now, I want to cry because I felt I was given another chance to be thankful for this life. Thank Lord God and may you continue to guide me in my travels and whatever I will do.

OUT OF THE BLUE..

Things are pretty surprising and at the same time-exciting! Work is just so-so but it certainly is challenging because of the changes in the workplace. Enough of the work related issues, who knows what will happen tomorrow or the next month? so, I'll just sit back and relax while everyone's else is too preoccupied.

I am just getting this thing out of my mind- frankly my dear, (i don't give a damn..lol) there are many decisions I have made because I have been considering one factor for the past few months. Things that I somewhat regret that I should have done. Geezzz..I am really naive. At my age, I think I am still naive on that area. Okay, I am beating around the bush here and that is exacty my point. I'll leave it all up to your imagination. (that is if you have room for some imagination..hehehe)

Well, they said that maybe you need to decide more on something bigger but this "factor-that isn't even a factor" is hindering my thoughts. Crazy noh?

I need to go on a trip but that trip is not what I expected it to be. I need to decide to go to A or B..If I go to A, no more B next year. If I decide to go B then no A (which I think is tempting me at least!)

I have to decide on many things this year..not just trips, but a lot more important things. A lot of things are running in my mind. Things that keep me sane are food, online shopping, window shopping, online teaching and friends that are sane as I am.

I need to go on a roadtrip soon. Thinking of going somewhere a bit far so that I can listen to my playlist for more than one hour and go to that popular cafe once I get there. Go home before midnight (lol) and have some recollection on life. Might catch a foreign film one of these days and try to blog about it. ( well, I said TRY..) I need to bake cookies and also try kimbap before I get interested on other foreign recipe^^

I have to try Vietnamese food this year and that Japanese steak that screams- RARE!! (but I like mine well-done) or might try medium rare..

See? I have a lot in mind but these are just few of my crazy thoughts..The "factor" is still there and every now and then, I get rid of it but sometimes I am too friendly that I still entertain the idea..lol

Oh, did I mention I am rooting for Netherlands? I am sure I haven't (I checked it!). Anyway, see you after the World Cup finals then..^^

Ciao!

SAJANGNIM~neomu chuwahae!!

nae sarang~jiguem, sajangnimya..sajangnim, naega ankiyeokhae? sajangnim, naega mame mula?
naneun, haru haruga sajangnim saengakhae..sajangnim neomu chuwahae..naega guenyang seonsaengnimeyo~
geunyang, naneun otton yeojaya..haaaay, miane mameya..nae name ulgo hanbondo..nae mame silpeulya..
jiguem, naneun haengbok goom isseoyo~^^

MY LIFE AFTER WORK~

I must be on a lucid interval moment tonight..If you happen to read some of my old posts, I have been talking to one guy consistently for almost two years..(purely business but some fun in between). Talking to my other student earlier, we were exchanging stories about our admiration on someone.. It was fun but she asked if I admire/like someone now..I said yes but I guess that guy never knew. Our relationship is like a cat and dog, we fight, we bore each other on some occasions, we laughed, we sometimes talked things crazily but it's a cycle. If someone will ask me now or probably probe my reason why I talked to him and why I endured that long..probably it is my feeling toward him and the interesting personality he has..I know this is a one-sided love..for all I know, I don't have the personality and characteristics he looks for in a woman..seess!! isang malaking pangarap!! If he knows how to ruined my night sometimes, probably tonight is my chance of ruining his..

Until now, I am blaming myself and repeating the word.."what the hell were you thinking Shieryl?"..I sure know how to ruin a good talk and night..and again, the long messages were sent tonight hoping to ease someone's situation. One word stuck on my mind tonight and but I'll just keep it to myself..That word made me realize where I stand in his life..just a teacher, a friend, an acquaintance and an employee. No more no less..At some point, I was thinking there was something special going on between us..at times, I feel some kind of jealousy..I felt ugly, I felt poor sometimes..(yeah, considering I am from a third world country)

Somewhat, I understood him..I want this job, I love this job..I enjoy this job and it's too comfortable too let go~ or maybe that job is already becoming him. (job = him) martyr lang ang peg..they've been very kind to me..I couldn't ask for anything more, I can probably say "yes" in a heartbeat..

If he only knew, or could he have read the actions and signs..then it would be great!!arrrggghh, jigeum..nae mame..neomu appayo..jungmal neomu appa.

THE BIRDS AND THE STONE

It's been a while since I wrote something and if you have been reading some older posts I made...Some of my older blog posts have "It's been a while..." kind of introduction..hahahaha.It just shows the unmotivated blogger inside of me.

Anyway, just made a trip last month and I still have the intensity in me..(might put it into good use!) =P
Just a glimpse of where I went, I traveled SEA country again..but this time a lottle ( a lot and a little) urbanized. Can you guess? (drum roll please!) THAILAND and CAMBODIA...exciting huh?

Let's just say since I traveled alone, I always hit two birds in one stone..Okay, here is the situation. My first travel alone was in Singapore- first bird: sightseeing second bird: greener pasture and familiarity of the place..see?
My second travel alone was in Cebu..first bird:  CAMOTES ISLAND second bird: meeting my online Korean friend, LILA...
Last month travel in THAILAND and CAMBODIA..first bird: sightseeing  second bird: meeting my online Japanese students/friends/family in Thailand

How's that for idioms? Well, I will share all the details soon..How I survived my last month's trip with crazy schedule..Soo happy for the experience and I am hoping that all the people I met also cherished the memories I had with them..out for now, be back later not soon..*_^ Ciao!!

SMALL TREATS

Lately, I have been depriving myself of many things. I can't watch telenovelas on television. I can't go out with friends on spontaneous late night Gimik. I can't eat a decent dinner or maybe eat a light dinner before going home to be ready on my classes. I can't talk to my mom at night or early in the morning about what's going on with me except during weekends. I can't read my books because I don't have enough time. I can't learn a new language because I am busy teaching other people how to learn English. I can't easily talk to friends or chat with them online because I am busy with my students. Don't get me wrong about my teaching. I love teaching. I have always been inclined to teaching. I don't know why teaching is always following me. I remember my late grandfather told my mother to let me take up a degree in education. Good thing my parents supported me in whatever course I am going to take up in college. I promised that I will never teach because I know teachers are deprived financially and sometimes emotionally.

But I am back as a teacher and every now and then I realized how badly I needed this kind of job. I so overwhelm by the kindness my students gave me. They are so adorable and they are very good too in the lesson. Again, as long as they need me..I will be there to teach them. Call me "raketera", "gahutera" or "pamugasay"...I really don't care. It has helped me a lot financially and I am having fun and meet very nice friends. I am contented and happy right now. Arigato Gozaimasu!!

Greyson Chance - Hold On Til The Night ( Official Video )

My instant perk me up song this month...So young artist but very strong voice!! o_O

a LETTER ONE YEAR AGO

A LETTER FROM THE PAST: APRIL 24, 2011

Dear FutureMe,

I know you are happy right now. You have your own business, a wonderful career and a loving and handsome fiance. You have helped you parents and gave them so much joy and love. Please be a joy to others always and let go of the things that make you sad. Stay away from bad friends that let you down. Treat yourself today..Travel with your love ones and be grateful to GOD for everything. You deserve this because of all you work for. Look at you...very happy and will always be happy. No more regrets.

P.S. In case you haven't achieved anything that I have mention above...it's okay. I don't blame you. You should dust it off and try again(just like the song). Do it now..you are the captain of your life..It's never to late..be bold and dream big and high..I still love you and pray to GOD for guidance..mwaaahhhh

I cried after I finish reading this. I have been trying to make myself better than ever and learn from the mistakes that I have. I am really so sensitive...T_T I am strong but I cry easily. Basically, I can say I am happy right now minus the business, the wonderful career and loving and handsome fiance. Looking back one year ago, I have made choices that I don't totally regret but can make some part of this letter a reality. I just don't know if I will be happy if I choose to say "YES" than "NO". The funny thing is, I don't know why I am crying. Is it because of the wrong decisions? the pity for self? or maybe I just realized that there are something or someone that is not meant to be? I want to let it out and last time I cried was when I watched a sad movie online. I got carried away by the characters in the story. This time, it's different. I am in the story. I realize that my own movie is in black and white. So dull. My mind is confused and I don't even know what my heart is saying. Things are pretty confusing lately. There are signs and they scream in my face. I just don't know if they are just fooling my senses or they are for real and I should take them seriously.

Good thing PastMe is not so judgmental. She wants me to learn from everything and try again. I am patient but sometimes the waiting is like torture and it is not fun anymore. It's draining sometimes and I feel that at the end of the day, you still lack courage to face it because it makes you also weak. I really don't what is in store for us for the next few months. Whatever that is, I wish that PastMe will realize what she dreams to have one year ago.

CRAZY LITTLE THING CALLED BLOG

I am a fickle minded person and sometimes my momentum is so high that, it ends up useless. I have made actually more than five blogs already but only maintaining two. The two blogs that I am maintaining are not even earning but have a few traffic every now and then. I am pretty crazy about blogging before to the point that I woke up early in the morning just to catch opportunities online. I am so obsessed with it. I want to feel that obsession again and get my blog up again.

I still have many ideas in mind like earn a few moolah then get a domain for it. I want to also make a like Julia/Julie food blog. I might also make a language blog or maybe a personal blog about teaching online. See? I have crazy ideas but I can't seem to make it work. Am I just burn out or I am just getting old? I hope none of the above. How to make crazy ideas into reality? I better get up and work my %$#! out!!

Ciao!!

THAT AWKWARD FEELING/MOMENT

I have been reading some tweets and even shout outs with the words "That awkward feeling...". Okay, I am going to share some of my awkward feelings. I might forget some of them but this are just some of the situations when I or maybe you feel that awkward feeling.

1. That awkward feeling when you meet the person who is actually your friend in Facebook or other SNS but you are not really close or acquainted to each other and you don't know if you will smile or greet him/her.(Note: You know his/her love life, daily food intake etc.)

2. That awkward moment when you saw your ex and there is no other place to escape but to pass by where he is.

3. That awkward feeling when you want to correct someone but he/she acts very confidently and thinks he/she is smart.

4. That awkward feeling when you want to say sorry but you know it's not your fault. The feeling is bothering you but saying sorry is just out of your plan.

5. That awkward moment when you receive a call in a quiet place and you try to lower your voice but it turns out to be louder than you expected.

More awkward feelings/moments soon...Ciao!!

THE WALKING DEAD-ANOTHER ADDICTION!!

I am not really fond of zombie movies but I like the Resident Evil movie so much. Aside from that, nothing else. What so fun about zombie running around and even preying on human? That's gross and looking at humans helpless is worst than I could imagine.

But now, I am taking back my word on that because my addiction to American series lead me to this. Many friends of mine even talked about it on Facebook. I got so curious and downloaded the full Season 1 episodes in torrent. Wow..I couldn't stop watching it. I finish the whole season 1 in just one day. Okay, it's just six episodes.hehehe. It made me a little frustrated because the plot is so riveting and it finished sooner than I expected.

I have to get my hands on Season 2 soon. I am just so excited and I am practicing my scream now.hahaha. Well, if you like zombie movies then check this out. I will surely make you scream and you will be glued to your seats..Enjoy!

POINT IN TIME

There will come a time in our life that we meet someone that will blow our mind away...Like someone who is very bad in English in elementary but because of self study and practice, he can speak English very well now. (that's my boss in my online school!Cool!!) I am just your average English speaker but sometimes when you get to know someone who is so passionate about learning and speaking different languages, you ask yourself...what have I been doing for the past few years? I love learning new things but sometimes I need that extra kick to get going. There are many things to explore and I always tell my student that learning something new needs passion and motivation. I felt guilty every time I say that because one point in my life, I felt that I lack motivation and passion. I love what I am doing but I stopped doing it. I love clothes and I studied how to use the sewing machine last year. By the time I finished the sewing lessons, I know, I have to buy a sewing machine to practice what I learned. Now, I think it's almost a year already but no sewing machine. Huhuhu. Same thing with Korean language. I learned Korean three years ago but again-another epic fail! I never practiced or pursued my Korean language lessons.

You see, I don't easily give up but sometimes the motivation and passion is not cultivated very much. It's the same reason why I don't want to learn driving because I don't have car. I don't want to learn baking because I don't have an oven but I would love to learn how to drive and I love baking as much as eating. I bought baking books but never tried it before.*facepalm*

One day, I was asked by someone if I want to learn a new language-maybe French or German. I said I can't because both languages are difficult to learn. He laughed a little and then said that anything that you don't know is difficult. It will just stop you from learning and he thinks that learning should never stop. He even said that a good motivation in learning a new language is that I should always think that GOD can only understand German/French/Spanish/etc in heaven. I cannot enter heaven if I don't know GOD's language. I was shocked when he said that. It was yes, pretty nice motivation there but I think he uses that words to motivate his students. I began to question my motivation and passion that day.

Now, I feel like I shouldn't stop learning. Right now, using that motivating words and the passion of my boss in learning other language, I think I should start learning other things. This doesn't only apply to learning new language but I think this is the "kick" that I have been waiting to kick me in my butt.

JUST DANCE

My love for dancing also shows in my love for movies with dancing theme. I have seen almost all dancing movies like Dirty Dancing( with Patrick Swayze) , Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, Step Up, Dance with Me, Take the Lead, Happy Feet, Innocents Steps(Korean movie) and many more. I watched Footloose a few days ago and I loved the movie so much. It's not about ballroom but it makes you want to stand up and dance. It's a feel good movie but I can't compare it to the older Footloose movie because I haven't watched it. It's a typical teenage movie but I still like Dance with Me. Okay, I like it more because of Richard Gere and Jennifer Lopez but Kelly Wormald(the lead actor) is very cool and he danced very well. I find guys who can dance very cool. I usually fall for guys who are musically inclined or who can dance and it doesn't hurt too if he is smart and funny. hahaha. Too much movies!!Now, back to reality.

I started my love for dancing when I was in high school and I started dancing dance sports or ballroom as it is commonly called. I can still remember our funny group, why funny? because only few boys in the school wants to join the group. The other boys thinks they will be called "gay" if they joined the group. Hahaha.

So the girls will take turns with the guys in dancing the ballroom and when there is school presentation, we have to do a line dance because we have no partners. Looks funny right but it's true and we have to deal with the "ego" of our guys. I like it so much that if I want to dance again. It doesn't only give me confidence but it also helps in my physical activity. I tend to gain weight if I don't move too much. Dancing keeps my body stable and it also makes you confident. Oh, I miss dancing. I wish I can go back soon.

DIANGO, THE FAMOUS DOG

This dog is very famous in our household and also in Japan. My boss is always looking for it especially if the dog is very quiet.hahaha.Totally strange isn't it? I supposed he wants some quiet atmosphere when I teach him but he said otherwise and he misses the sound of the dog. I took a picture of it to let my boss know what it looks like. Ciao!

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CHANGE IS INEVITABLE

Okay,i am not very old not to accept change and not so young enough too to be so aggressive in my work. I know sometimes great challenges comes with great power. I don't what to look that I am already hard headed but sometimes there are challenges that are worth it. I don't what to go into the details. This might sound ideal and for the betterment of the organization,but it's utterly absurd to let someone go through drastic changes. I don't know how to face this challenge and one thing is sure, I not a coward but I feel that the challenge is not enough for the rewards it will reap. Now that I am already contemplating what to do with my life, I think my plans will be early than usual. Carpe Diem! Seize the day!

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